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Post by Bungle on Jul 6, 2006 18:56:49 GMT
OK, so my one time favourite soap has been in the doldrums for probably getting on for five years now, with no sign of improvement. So, how can it be improved?
My opening suggestions:
* Never ever ever revolve storylines around money, or the lack of. Never interesting.
* Have characters which allow some chance of development, rather than remaining cardboard cut-outs. Corrie (not a show thaty I regularly watch) shows that this is possible.
* Don't make characters have affairs with characters we have never seen before. No-one cares.
* Send scripts back for redrafting, and get in some fresh scriptwriters who have worked on other shows. There are too many cliched scenes where you know from the first shot how it's going to go.
* Stop repeating scenes throughout the week with minor variations.
* (This is a complete pipe dream) Lose one or - even better - two episodes a week.
* Do something with the underused/ignored bits of the set. It looks like Jo Joyner might be taking over the old nail bar, but what about the restaurant, other shops etc? It'll give the show's atmosphere a kick up the bum.
* Stop making Pauline such a bitch. I know that they say people become their mothers, but please...!
More please!
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Post by WhiteNoiseMaker on Jul 6, 2006 21:56:14 GMT
have at least one person die in each episode. It could be a main character (best not do that too often), it could just be some kid being strangled by an extra in the background whilst Ian Beale is talking to someone.
Also bring in a funky american family who all dress like Flava Flav and have about ten billion episodes where Dot ends up having to rap with them.
Alternatively, end the whole sorry fiasco. It's dead.
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Post by somethingbiblical on Jul 6, 2006 21:57:25 GMT
Bring back Brookside.
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Post by Bungle on Jul 6, 2006 21:59:13 GMT
If we're bringing anything back it's Springhill!
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boyd
Junior Member
Posts: 98
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Post by boyd on Jul 7, 2006 0:44:49 GMT
Axe it. Seriously, it's shite. Atleast there's always UK Gold for when it was once good.
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Post by lowculture.co.uk on Jul 7, 2006 1:49:27 GMT
EastEnders breaks my heart. There was a time when I couldn't imagine living my life without it, but now I haven't watched it for months and months.
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Post by Nick on Jul 7, 2006 8:26:24 GMT
Introduce a 'Where's Wally?' character, and tuck him away somewhere in the background during each episode.
Put a hand-operated tree-sprite puppet on the lowest branch of every tree in Albert Square, and leave them to discreetly sing and hum and sway and wonder as the usual chaos unfolds around them.
Make one of the characters able to control the weather from a floating sky-fortress.
Get rid of all the stupid, boring dogs and replace them with cats.
Cobble all the roads (including the marketpace), the floor of the club and Deano's mattress.
Introduce four different characters with the same Christian name, and watch society crumble.
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ruthie
Su Pollard
I'm not Miss March, Miss May, or Miss anything else! I'm Miss Madolyn Hayes and I own this dump!
Posts: 276
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Post by ruthie on Jul 7, 2006 9:57:35 GMT
Stop bringing back characters who left ages ago, on the grounds that they were once really popular, and dropping all other storylines in favour of something really rubbish and unbelievable centred round the old character.
Introduce a new bitch, al la Chrissy and Janine (NB employing an actress who can actually act will help here).
Pat should on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have sex with anyone ever again. I'm still having creepy flashbcks of the whole Patrick thing.
Accept that while Corrie seems able to do comedy, Eastenders just can't. Cut all 'amusing' scenes with Gary, Minty and that awful husband of Paulines. in fact, just get rid of him altogether.
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Post by klee on Jul 7, 2006 10:37:23 GMT
On a sidenote, why does Steve McFadden look like a large, ill-tempered baby these days?
- Slash the catering budget so 'hot' actors do not, six months into their Eastenders tenure, become bloaters.
- Make Barbara Windsor perform without her wig - and cast Gail Porter as the latest permutation of Sam, thereby introducing alopecia issues.
- Allow a child to be conceived in wedlock and not as a consequence of rape, a revenge fuck after an argument in the Christmas episode or some faceless Mrs Columbo of an absent boyfriend.
- Make Dot Cotton open a private detective agency and Pat her sidekick. Then they can solve tedious gangster crime the Rosemary and Thyme way, with lesbian subtext and added cake.
- Have the local gangster factory blown up in a freak accident involving Gary, a powerful curry, a cigarette lighter and the petrol tank of a Ford Cortina.
- Then replace the gangster factory with an order of dodgy East End nuns, a petting zoo run by Barrie Humphreys or (preferably) Coronation Street.
- Give the Mitchells what they deserve and cast Nikki Sanderson as the woman who comes between them.
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jem
Su Pollard
Posts: 473
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Post by jem on Jul 7, 2006 14:58:36 GMT
Bring back more poeple form the dead- Arthur, Lou Beale, Pete Beale, Sharon's dog (name escapes me), Tiffany etc.
Also is it not about time Nasty Nick made a reappearance?
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Post by [james] on Jul 7, 2006 15:08:43 GMT
Isn't Nasty Nick meant to have died off-screen recently?
They should just fire the whole cast and replace them with blondes. It works for Hollyoaks, it can work for EEnders too.
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Post by Nurse Dunkley on Jul 7, 2006 15:37:07 GMT
Put Yvonne Grace in charge. It certainly worked for Crossroads.
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Post by Joel on Jul 7, 2006 19:07:28 GMT
- No fucking gangsters. - No fucking alcoholics. - Allow people, once in a while, to be happy. Accept that people watch soaps for escapism and don't subject all your characters to unremitting misery. - Acknowledge that your best storylines come from family issues. The Slater incest was amazing. So was Evil Trevor and Little Mo. So was the whole Bianca-Carol-David triangle.
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Post by Nick on Jul 7, 2006 19:34:43 GMT
- Allow people, once in a while, to be happy. Accept that people watch soaps for escapism and don't subject all your characters to unremitting misery. BUT this policy shouldn't extend to Sonia. Stuff like what happened tonight should happen to Sonia EVERY night.
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Post by xenomaniac on Jul 7, 2006 19:56:44 GMT
- More gay Ben and evil Courtney. The children are our future.
- Never have another massive disaster (Toppling helter-skelter? I mean really...)
- No more rapes. It is thankfully very rare, having it happen so often is unrealistic, unpleasant and degrading.
- Not everyone needs to be emotionally crushed every six months. Some of us are quite happy.
- Burn the hospital set. I never want to see it again.
- Only one showdown in The Vic each year. This is a more than generous. I have never bitch slapped anyone in my local.
- New families don't have to be introduced en mass everytime. Look at Corrie, for every Baldwin family arriving there are a dozen characters introduced slowly in the background. These are what makes Corrie so real and they often end up as my favourites.
- Better casting, The Millers were a disaster. It's the BBC's flagship programme for god sake, they can have their pick!
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Post by xenomaniac on Jul 7, 2006 20:00:46 GMT
Stop bringing back characters who left ages ago, on the grounds that they were once really popular, and dropping all other storylines in favour of something really rubbish and unbelievable centred round the old character. I totally agree but I'd also love for Janine or Annie Palmer to come back.
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Post by WhiteNoiseMaker on Jul 7, 2006 22:16:08 GMT
Yes yes yes. Or, bring in Jimmy Corkhill to live in Albert Square. Then he could become the narrator of the whole show, and he could do voice-overs over every episode and be the 'voice of mcgovern' by bringing in patently author-based out-of-character rants about the decline of shipyards and mining strikes and suchlike at random unwanted points. Relocate show to Miami. Introduce a mysterious hatch. Bring in Rik Waller as a major new character.
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Post by Nurse Dunkley on Jul 7, 2006 22:49:43 GMT
- Never have another massive disaster (Toppling helter-skelter? I mean really...) I do agree, but I would love a big flood. They wouldn't have to explain it, or even acknowledge it. I'd just quite like too see them all going about their daily tawdry business, but with the original twist of four foot of water to wade through. Poor little Peggy would just be a floating wig.
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Post by SweatShop on Jul 8, 2006 1:21:54 GMT
This thing from the B3ta newsletter would be a good episode. b3ta.com/links/BeastendersJESUS FUCKING CHRIST! That is just wrong, but amazing.
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Post by sultenfuss on Jul 8, 2006 13:04:06 GMT
They need a 'bitch' and quick. I've been trying to start the 'Get Frances Barber cast campaign' for months but no one seems to be interested.
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Post by SweatShop on Jul 8, 2006 20:11:19 GMT
RtD seems to have edited my post.
Was that by accident? Well, you didn't delete tthe bizarre EE thing I posted, so no bother.
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Post by Nick on Jul 11, 2006 21:25:46 GMT
Stuff like what happened tonight should happen to Sonia EVERY night. It happened again! I could really get back into EastEnders if Sonia's tiny daughter rejects her and makes her cry every other episode.
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Post by I Hate Lana Lang on Jul 11, 2006 21:53:06 GMT
Even Pauline thinks it shit now.
We should have her old workmates from Are You Being Served come and pay her a visit. Peggy's face when Molly talks about her pussy would be heaven.
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Post by MoondialSlater on Jul 11, 2006 22:32:15 GMT
Kill Ruby.
Every episode a la South Park in as many different ways as they can.
And put Dawn in a neck brace to stop her head from shaking when she talks.
And axe the correct Millers next time.
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Post by jetsetwilly on Jul 12, 2006 10:39:29 GMT
She had one of those baggy under chin areas like Christiano Ronaldo has - i find that distressing. She was a bit bullfroggy, wasn't she? I liked Ruby when she was bonding with Stacey in a sort of all gals together way; since she became this Tragedy Queen she's become tedious. If I were to improve EE, I would: - ban any storyline which would be resolved by someone getting a "shooter"; I'm bored with unfeasibly polite gangsters who don't say fuck but are apparently really frightening. - stop giving Pat new relatives. Is she related to everyone on the Square now? I know she put it about when she was younger, but still, it's getting ridiculous. - if someone important leaves, get rid of the rest of the family instead of letting them linger round the place like zombies. What purpose do Charlie and Big Mo have now? With Rosie gone, why would Dawn stick around? - start casting people who can act i.e. not Parklife's daughter. - ban any devastating fires that threaten to kill the best characters while all the rubbish ones stand outside watching. Send Bradley Branning in there with a petrol can.
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