Post by The Moog on Mar 1, 2008 16:02:05 GMT
I saw the new Rambo film this week.
ODEON has chosen to not show it for "commercial reasons" which I can only guess as that someone there is really really stupid.
Why you ask? Well, simply put, Rambo is literally the greatest film ever committed to celluloid. It is a staggering powerhouse of a film. A film so amazing, you literally have to keep pinching yourself throughout it just to make sure you're not part of some magical dream.
I could try to write a detailed review of it, but it simply would not do the film any justice. You HAVE to go and see this film, and in the cinema. And preferably drunk.
I have to say, I had my doubts about it - Stallone is past it, and very old and chubby looking. Rambo the series was dead and buried, and well, it wasn't really going to deliver, was it?
Oh how I was wrong. Not only has Stallone made a great action film, but he has made one of the greatest comedies of our time. Seriously, people will be talking about this film for generations. The comic timing, the sheer utter lunacy of it. The breathtaking brutality, and over the top scenes of UTTER destruction. I spent 90% of this film laughing. It is so so funny. For Stallone to take the series in this direction, is brave, but it pays off. In spades.
But there is still action. So very much action. Watching this film is like killing a fly with an atomic warhead. It's just utterly utterly OTT.
Stallone doesn't so much act, more just exist. He IS Rambo. And he's pissed off. And he speaks about 5 times. and all of that is "NNgghhm MMmgg" or something. Truely he is up there with the greats. If he doesn't get nominated for an Oscar next year, I'm gonna cut a bitch.
The plot is simple. Our fearless hero John "Don't push me" Rambo, is living the peaceful but lonely life in Burma, catching Cobras and driving his boat. He is asked by some missionaries to drive them up river to help some villagers. He declines, but then one of them, a female asks him and gives him a cross, and that moves Rambo, cos you know, he's a spiritual Brother.
He drives them up river, leaves them at the village and then goes home. BUT WAIT. Some evil army come along and KILL EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGE. And when I say kill, I mean kill.
I've seen my fair share of action films. I think it's fair to say, I am a child of the 80's action hero. I enjoyed it when Arnie tore Buzzsaw a new one in Running Man, and I liked it when Murphy got blown apart in Robocop by Clarence "Bitches leave" Boddicker. I have seen my share of violence. But nothing had prepared me for what I was to see in Rambo.
Children are shot. Men are literally blown apart. Limb's are cut off. Mines blow legs off. Trucks run people over. Chests get blown out. Women are raped. Children are thrown on fires. Men are fed to pigs. Babies are shot.
Suitable this is not.
And in case you weren't not yet convinced these are bad people, the leader of the army is a Pedophile. So not only is he a genocidal nut case who tortures, mutilates and kills. He also fucks children. He's that bad. Ya dig?
Rambo gets wind of this, and well, decides to sort these commie bastards out. So he goes back up river and joins up with a bunch of mercenaries to do the job. And who is in the mercs? None other than MATTHEW FUCKING MARSDEN. Yes, he who was in Corrie. He plays a crack-shot sniper. And he's good at it too.
So the mercs get captured, and Rambo has to rescue them and the hostages. So he gets tooled up. And proceeds to destroy half the jungle. The last 20 minutes of this film feature Rambo..
There is no message in this film at all other than to solve violence and war, you just need to kill everything and everyone involved. The end. It's really that simple.
When the last 20 minutes of Rambo shooting everything moving finishes, the film ends with Rambo back in America with a hairwash and a plaid shirt. Back on a farm cos he is a simple man, with simple needs. The missionaries have learnt that helping victims of war is useless, the mercs have learnt that a Vietnam vet is surprisingly hard, and Burma has learn't to not fuck with John Rambo, cos he will mess your shit up.
When the movie was over, the entire audience applauded. I came out of the theatre realising nothing I will see now will ever beat that experience. No movie will ever has such a profound effect on me. Why? Because I saw Rambo: Greatest film ever created. A film that should have its own award in the Oscars, and it should win that award every year for all time. For it is that good.
Stallone, you are some sort of genius.
ODEON has chosen to not show it for "commercial reasons" which I can only guess as that someone there is really really stupid.
Why you ask? Well, simply put, Rambo is literally the greatest film ever committed to celluloid. It is a staggering powerhouse of a film. A film so amazing, you literally have to keep pinching yourself throughout it just to make sure you're not part of some magical dream.
I could try to write a detailed review of it, but it simply would not do the film any justice. You HAVE to go and see this film, and in the cinema. And preferably drunk.
I have to say, I had my doubts about it - Stallone is past it, and very old and chubby looking. Rambo the series was dead and buried, and well, it wasn't really going to deliver, was it?
Oh how I was wrong. Not only has Stallone made a great action film, but he has made one of the greatest comedies of our time. Seriously, people will be talking about this film for generations. The comic timing, the sheer utter lunacy of it. The breathtaking brutality, and over the top scenes of UTTER destruction. I spent 90% of this film laughing. It is so so funny. For Stallone to take the series in this direction, is brave, but it pays off. In spades.
But there is still action. So very much action. Watching this film is like killing a fly with an atomic warhead. It's just utterly utterly OTT.
Stallone doesn't so much act, more just exist. He IS Rambo. And he's pissed off. And he speaks about 5 times. and all of that is "NNgghhm MMmgg" or something. Truely he is up there with the greats. If he doesn't get nominated for an Oscar next year, I'm gonna cut a bitch.
The plot is simple. Our fearless hero John "Don't push me" Rambo, is living the peaceful but lonely life in Burma, catching Cobras and driving his boat. He is asked by some missionaries to drive them up river to help some villagers. He declines, but then one of them, a female asks him and gives him a cross, and that moves Rambo, cos you know, he's a spiritual Brother.
He drives them up river, leaves them at the village and then goes home. BUT WAIT. Some evil army come along and KILL EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGE. And when I say kill, I mean kill.
I've seen my fair share of action films. I think it's fair to say, I am a child of the 80's action hero. I enjoyed it when Arnie tore Buzzsaw a new one in Running Man, and I liked it when Murphy got blown apart in Robocop by Clarence "Bitches leave" Boddicker. I have seen my share of violence. But nothing had prepared me for what I was to see in Rambo.
Children are shot. Men are literally blown apart. Limb's are cut off. Mines blow legs off. Trucks run people over. Chests get blown out. Women are raped. Children are thrown on fires. Men are fed to pigs. Babies are shot.
Suitable this is not.
And in case you weren't not yet convinced these are bad people, the leader of the army is a Pedophile. So not only is he a genocidal nut case who tortures, mutilates and kills. He also fucks children. He's that bad. Ya dig?
Rambo gets wind of this, and well, decides to sort these commie bastards out. So he goes back up river and joins up with a bunch of mercenaries to do the job. And who is in the mercs? None other than MATTHEW FUCKING MARSDEN. Yes, he who was in Corrie. He plays a crack-shot sniper. And he's good at it too.
So the mercs get captured, and Rambo has to rescue them and the hostages. So he gets tooled up. And proceeds to destroy half the jungle. The last 20 minutes of this film feature Rambo..
- punching a guys head off
- tearing a guys throat out
- shooting a guys head clean off
- turning a WW2 bomb into a nuclear blast
- turning a man into puree
- annihilating about 300 soilders, a jungle, and boat with a Jeep cannon.
There is no message in this film at all other than to solve violence and war, you just need to kill everything and everyone involved. The end. It's really that simple.
When the last 20 minutes of Rambo shooting everything moving finishes, the film ends with Rambo back in America with a hairwash and a plaid shirt. Back on a farm cos he is a simple man, with simple needs. The missionaries have learnt that helping victims of war is useless, the mercs have learnt that a Vietnam vet is surprisingly hard, and Burma has learn't to not fuck with John Rambo, cos he will mess your shit up.
When the movie was over, the entire audience applauded. I came out of the theatre realising nothing I will see now will ever beat that experience. No movie will ever has such a profound effect on me. Why? Because I saw Rambo: Greatest film ever created. A film that should have its own award in the Oscars, and it should win that award every year for all time. For it is that good.
Stallone, you are some sort of genius.
