Fantasy "Celebrity" Big Brother

[pauliepoos]

Aside from Germaine who I think is a real coup, I'm quite disappointed with the people this year, thus:

In the world of Pauliepoos, Eighties music icon slash siren Wendy James is the first to enter the house. Known for her outspoken views and non-knicker wearing interviews on kids tv, she's bound to stir things up and speak her mind.

Next in is Will Carling. He's come a long way since his days as the darling of UK sport - but will he spill any more beans about a certain Princess?

The lovely Jeremy Beadle pops up next - will the producers dare film him naked in the shower? No doubt there will be gags a plenty with this joker in the pack...

The next girl in causes a few people to strain their eyes? She looks familiar but who is she? Why, it's none other than Dawn Acton. Who? "The original Tracey Barlow" a gaggle of gays up and down the country declare. Will she shed new light on the wandering hands of Ken or the crack habit of Dierdre or will she just hide in the bedroom listening to her tapes? Let's wait and see.

The gaggle of gays get even more excited now. At least some of them do. Why, it's little Stephen Gately, formerly of Boyzone. No matter what he gets up to, he's sure to rely on the pink phone vote, or will that go to.....

Errrrrr, Kitten? The trouble maker from Big Brother 5 has burst from the crowd and is trying to get past Stephen and storm the BB house. She's protesting about Tsunami aid going to Indonesia as they oppress ladybummers. Well this is one ladybummer the crowd seem to want to be oppressed, and the guards are cheered as they beat her into submission and drag her off by her hair.

The next statuesque figure is instantly recognisable. It's none other than Hollywood "star" Rupert Everett. Rupert Everett? Rupert "Vacuum" Everett? Carrying a little dog under his grossly inflated arm, Paulipoos mother asks "is he ill?"

So all the men are in, and now we have the two remaining ladies. And the next girl out of the car certainly used to be a lady. Why, it's none other than Martine McCutcheon! Like Rupert she may have fallen on hard times, or maybe she's just desperate for the publicity to promote her new album of show tunes.

And the final shocker: it's Maxine Carr. Fed up of wearing scarves and wigs everywhere she goes she's decided to blow her cover and seek public approval for her rehabilitation. Second only to the Beckhams in the amount of tabloid coverage received last year, this is a real coup for the headline hungry producers.

As the "celebrities" settle down for a cup of tea and a gossipy chinwag, the viewers turn off and go to bed in disgust, only to go back downstairs and hour later and watch the live streaming on E4.

So that's Wendy, Will, Jeremy, Dawn, Stephen, Rupert, Martine and Maxine.

[Cherubic]

Maxine to win.

She's this century's Myra Hindley. Except more stupid than evil.

[Sparkle]

Cherubic said:

Maxine to win.

She's this century's Myra Hindley. Except more stupid than evil.

So not, then.

Martine to win.

[Cherubic]

Sparkle said:

So not, then.

Martine to win.

But I suspect Myra was only 60/40 evil to stupid, so they're on the same continuum.

Maxine.

[Sparkle]

Cherubic said:

But I suspect Myra was only 60/40 evil to stupid, so they're on the same continuum.

Maxine.

Che, I suspect you've read too many tabloids during the Soham case.

Martine.

[pauliepoos]

Day one - first eviction takes place tonight

Unbeknown to the housemates, the phone lines have been open since they arrived, and the careful editing of the directors will decide who returns to a life of non-success tonight.

As the doors close behind Maxine, the group get together on the sofas. They all introduce themselves, with Dawn and Maxine having to tell Wendy, who has been out of the country for a few years, who they are. After venting some venom at Maxine, Martine is told by Stephen to calm down, and let sleeping dogs lie. Rupert comments that she's the only woman who's had a worse press than Madonna - and he likes her for that.

Cliques form immediately - Rupert and Wendy talk about Bob Dylan, Martine and Stephen reminisce about how wonderful Abbamania was, Will and Jeremy talk about golf and Dawn and Maxine sit together both looking nervously at their fingernails and whispering comments to each other about Rupert's dog.

The first row comes over who will share the first bedroom. With only 6 single beds and one double, Maxine volunteers to share the double, as she was used to that in prison. Martine gets nasty and attacks Maxine again, not just for being a child murderer but also for being a lezzer. Wendy says she once had a lesbian affair with Sinitta and she won't mind sleeping with Maxine, although if Rupert ever wants to try some fanny again, he's welcome to hers. Stephen looks disappointed, as he and Martine had secretly been conspiring for him and Will to sleep together.

Dawn has been drinking red wine all evening - 2 bottles. When Jeremy takes off his shirt she screams and vomits all over Rupert. Maxine takes Dawn to the bathroom and Wendy and Stephen mop up Rupert. Will strips off too and it's clear he's been working out and has shred his puppy fat.

As the lights are turned out, with everyone tucked up in bed, Martine remembers she hasn't taken her medication yet. On crossing the room to get a glass of water, she kneels beside Maxine's bed and tells her she'll be lucky if she doesn't wake up with her throat slit. As the other housemates sleep restlessly, Maxine sobs silently all night.

As the alarm sounds at 10am, Rupert and Will are the first up, exercising together in the garden. Stephen gazes longingly until Wendy tells him to stop being such a pussy, and asks him if he's a bottom. Stephen replies versatile, which Jeremy overhears and agrees that he's versatle too, and can work in tv whether in front or behind the camera.

As Dawn and Wendy clean up in the kitchen with Jeremy and Stephen preparing the shopping list, they don't notice Martine disappear into the bathroom, where she visciously assaults Maxine. They are interrupted by Rupert and Will who wanted to shower after their exercises. Rupert calms down Martine by punching her in the face and then looks directly at the camera and says "Jonathan, that was for you". Wendy and Dawn console Maxine in the bedroom as Big Brother summons Martine to the diary room.

In a tearful confession in the diary room, Martine admits they she forgot to bring her appetite suppressors and anti depressants. She cries for her mother and Big Brother informs her she will be leaving the house immediately.

Jeremy is called into the diary room and told the news of Martines premature departure - as a treat the remaining housemates have been given a karaoke machine. The housemates cheer as Maxine starts nervously with The Cardigan's Lovefool and reach a peak when Jeremy takes on R Kelly's If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time. During this song Rupert asks Will if Jeremy is deformed.

The housemates go to bed at 2am, with Maxine sleeping soundly.

[Cherubic]

I've never read a tabloid in my life.

Except when I worked in a service station.

But the atmosphere there, it's surprising I didn't get a girl called Mandy pregnant with twins.

[zaffra]

Paulie - you are a genius. Please keep this going for two weeks.

Maxine to win!

[pauliepoos]

My first fan letter - thank you!

I might be able to manage an eviction per day. I'd love to be Donna Mills instead of new member though, hint hint Mr Lowculture?