Boyfriend problem

[mackenzie]

Hi. I can't afford therapy, so here I am.

Basically. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is definately The One, and after we graduate we are going to get a house and get married and get cats. HOWEVER. I really do not like his family, and I don't know what to do about it.

I come from a middle-class family, and live in a grade 2 listed building in Surrey. I have one brother and my mum and dad both work hard to give us a nice life. The have an equal partnership, with both of them doing their share of the work around the house, and my mum manages to keep a spotless house despite working full time.

He has seven brothers and sisters, ranging from 2 years old to 22. His dad does some IT job where he earns loads of money, enough to support the wholse family, because his mum doesn't work. She stays at home all days and cooks and cleans for the kids. When the dad gets home from work he barks orders at the mum and she waits on him hand and foot, despite the fact that her day starts at 5am and doesn't finish until midnight. The house is a mess, there are toys and junk everywhere. The dad has a bit of a drinking problem, and once her gets a few glasses of wine inside him will pick arguments with people around him, including me when I am there. It is just the complete opposite of the family that I am used to.

Luckily, my boyfriend is very tidy and would never expect me to wait on him hand and foot. The trouble is, he know my family very well and is always at my house and even came on holiday with me and my parents last year, whereas I avoid going to his house as much as possible and as a result have only met his parents a handful of times.

My boyfriend and I were up all last night talking about getting married after we graduate, but I didn't want to tell him that I can't stand his family. So what do I do? I would like to get to know his parents better if I am going to be spending the rest of my life with him, but to be honest I find his house to intimidating and busy- like I said, it's the total opposite of my house.

Any suggestions on how to handle this would be gratefully received.

[Becky]

If you want to marry him you have to be honest with him, but tactfully. Unfortunately tact isn't my strong point so I cant help you there. I hope it works out for you though.

[Nurse Dunkley]

you just have to suck it in and get on with it, really. Go there only when you're invited/ when it would be rude not to and be a nice person even if they're not the same to you. I don't really think you have to actually tell your boyf that you don't like his family, he'll probably work it out over time if he hasn't already. They might not even like you anyway.


And I'm sorry but:

mackenzie said:

I come from a middle-class family, and live in a grade 2 listed building in Surrey.

HAHAHAHAHA.

[schmindie]

Yeah, sorry, but when you shack up with someone the family are all part of the package. Like the Nurse above me said, go only when you're invited, be as civil as possible and if future father in law has a go at you, give him a mouthful back - that should show your boyfriend that (a) you're not happy with how his dad treats you and (b) that you're not exactly jumping over rainbows about being there. How does he feel about his family? Are they close? If they are, then as I said, you're stuck with them. If not, you can probably get away with the minimum of visits and make excuses some of the time (such as spending time in that wonderful grade 2 listed building in Surrey of yours, or whatever). Families are never perfect regardless of how wonderful their lifestyle may seem to be. Cut the family some slack, try and explain how you feel to your boyfriend (if you're getting married, you should be able to trust him enough to tell him) and see where you go from there.

[mcflooze]

I agree that if he's The One you take the rough with the smooth, so suck it up. But equally, if he's in love with you as much as you are with him, he'll take on board how you feel and make allowances. The differences between your families can't have passed him by, and there's a fair chance he feels the same way as you.

And congratulations on finding The One - keep us informed!

xxx

[David]

mackenzie said:

I come from a middle-class family, and live in a grade 2 listed building in Surrey.

No! It is I who comes from a middle-class family, and lives in a grade-2 listed building in Surrey!

[The Moog]

Hmmm.

My ex had a family that were complete twats.

I loathed them, and they were awful human beings.

The Dad was racist, sexist and immature and the Mum was needy and a passive/aggressive bully. Like others suggested, I tried to be polite and do the bare minimum of visits, but unfortunately, that didn't really help, as they were so rude, intrusive and generally shit people whenever i was around, and also when I wasn't there they would try to plant seeds of distrust in my ex's mind.

I explained that I didn't really like them, and I did honestly try to get on with them, but it ended very badly.

I don't really have any advice. Sorry.

[Lisa]

You definitely have to speak to him - and he probably does have a fair idea about things already if you're so close. Does he maybe feel intimidated and uncomfortable around your family? I know he spends a lot of time with them and went with you and your parents on holiday, but is he making a super human effort knowing it's important to you? or that it's better than you spending time with his family?

As Becky first said, tact has got to be the way forward though. I think you need to make sure that you don't come over as a snob - stressing that it's the arguing and noise that upsets you, not the type of house and the mess - and also make sure you don't run the risk of him feeling he needs to defend his family from personal attack... I don't know, but maybe his Mum likes the role that she has? Maybe an equal partnership is of no importance to her at all, and she would happily make the choice for a large family to look after all over again.

I'm sure it will all work out though if you both want it to. My friend has been with her husband for about 5 years now and his family really don't like her (to the extent that they nearly boycotted the wedding) and the feeling is more than mutual but - Christmas and birthdays aside - it doesn't really matter day to day.

Good luck!

[georgie]

I'm rubbish with the advice, however, the fact you've spent a year and a half together and your original post hasn't said if he has mentioned the lack of time you spend with his family etc then maybe he already realises that you're not fond of them and any future conversations on this topic not as bad as you currently think?

[Lisa]

The more I think about it, the more I really wouldn't mention the mess as being a problem, as that might be seen as a direct attack on his Mum - and NEVER ask a boy to pick sides between you and his mother!

[LoveMusic]

I don't even think the mess is a problem, it wouldn't be to me anyway.

You don't have to love his family, maybe just make more of an effort to get to know them.
After all, your boyfriend spends time with your family.

[Deleted]

Do they live near to your family or quite far away? When you buy your house just get one far, far away from them. Also make it too small to have visitors. At least then visits will be on your terms and not theirs.

[mackenzie]

nursedunkley said:

you just have to suck it in and get on with it, really. Go there only when you're invited/ when it would be rude not to and be a nice person even if they're not the same to you. I don't really think you have to actually tell your boyf that you don't like his family, he'll probably work it out over time if he hasn't already. They might not even like you anyway.


And I'm sorry but:

mackenzie said:

I come from a middle-class family, and live in a grade 2 listed building in Surrey.

HAHAHAHAHA.

I was being facetious. Also, don't joke about Hyacinth Bucket ("its Bouquet!!")- my mother models herself on her, I think.

I am willing to suck it up, I just think it would be nice if we all knew each other a bit better and got along, seeing as he gets on so well with my family. I'm fully aware that in order to get on with them a bit better I would need to go and see them more often, but i've been coasting along for so long without seeing them now that I now get very nervous whenever I do go to their house.

My dad doesn't see his family anymore because my mum doesn't like them, and by proxy me and my brother don't see them either. I just don't want me & the boyfriend to end up like that.

[Rad]

Miss Mackenzie - have you left us?

Although if you have, you probably won't answer, so I guess this is a moot question.

Good luck with it all anyway. I don't really have any advice but I hope it works out.

[pauliepoos]

mackenzie said:

His dad does some IT job where he earns loads of money, enough to support the wholse family

Has the dad deleted her profile?

[The Moog]

It's a shame that Miss Mackenzie left. She's lovely, and I want to know how things turn out for her.

[Robbing the Dead]

She's left before hasn't she? Or was that from LifeItself (is that still going, by the way?). Maybe she'll return not as Miss MacKenzie but as Mrs Bastarddad.

[lowculture.co.uk]

How bizarre.

[[james]]

Maybe she was an Andrew Lloyd-Webber plant.

[lowculture.co.uk]

Maybe her boyfriend found what she'd written - yikes!

[Cherubic]

The poor girl does have a history of being internet stalked. Or rather people she know's finding things out because she's written about them online, which isn't really stalking, but still is pretty bad.

I'm sure she'll be back. Confident even.

[marknyc]

I think more people should be mortified about baring their personal lives on the internet. Messageboards aren't the safest place to do this type of thing since they tend to lack the type of sycophantic focus group you get with something like a private Livejournal. I'm sure it is especially mortifying if one lives in a grade 2 listed building in Surrey.