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Post by somethingbiblical on Jul 2, 2007 2:33:56 GMT
community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/frm/f/6620064257It really is fabulous isn't it? I love it especially when you get the sad bastards who write things that you can just tell are their ultimate fantasies, when they put new characters in that are basically what they wish they were like themselves, and call them Tanya and stuff. Here's a cracker, someone obviously loved their family holiday to Wales so much that they set a students fic there - as if the type of chalet Jess's family are likely to own would be in a Welsh holiday park.. community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6620064257/m/2050061848"Jess: well my parents are away for Easter skiing so they said I could use the chalet in Abersoch and I didn’t want to go by myself Kris: well I suppose I have nothing better to do Zak: what’s this place like Jess: well erm there’s loads to do. It’s a site full of chalets and there’s a swimming pool – indoor and out, a bar, a pool café, an arcade, sports hall, a shop and a beach in fact the chalets practically right on the beach you can just walk down from the patio Zoe: I’m in Zak: me to. I think this is going to be fun" Quality. Anyone got any crackers?
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Post by Steven on Jul 2, 2007 11:31:12 GMT
Oh my God - Hollyoaks fanfic complete with Mary-Sues. I'm not sure I can bear to look...
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Post by Elly on Jul 2, 2007 15:46:14 GMT
This part makes me physically sick:
They quickly got hold of sun tan lotion and towels and walked onto the beach. Jess and Zoe lay their towels down and Zak lay down beside Zoe and Kris decided to lay down next to Jess.
Jess: Kris if you’re not careful you’ll get sun burn. Put some stuff on
Kris handed the sun tan lotion to Jess
Kris: you do it for me
Kris sat up and so did Jess. She rubbed in the sun tan lotion. Kris smiled to himself but quickly tried to stop when he turned around for Jess to rub the lotion into his chest. As Jess rubbed the lotion into his chest as well they looked into each others eyes. They moved closer towards each other but quickly pulled away as they heard their names being called out
Zoe: Kris, Jess come over here
I'm not joking. The thought of Slabface rubbing suntan lotion into Rubbish Tranny's pasty chest, whilst apparently getting aroused by this, is simply appalling. Never have I been so grateful for Plankton's general existence.
Plus, as a newly qualified English teacher, the temptation to print off the whole story and correct it with red marker is just horrendous.
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Post by LoveMusic on Jul 2, 2007 15:50:11 GMT
Isn't there anything good with Craig and JP?
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Post by El Capitan on Jul 2, 2007 15:58:29 GMT
Eep, I write JP and Craig Hollyfiction.
I'm not sorry, dammit. I'll never be sorry!!!
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Post by [james] on Jul 2, 2007 16:02:41 GMT
Eep, I write JP and Craig Hollyfiction. I'm not sorry, dammit. I'll never be sorry!!! You have to share it with the class now. Hopefully it doesn't involve Craig crying for eight pages then a sentence of full-clothed bumming.
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Post by frapperia on Jul 2, 2007 16:37:44 GMT
Eep, I write JP and Craig Hollyfiction. I'm not sorry, dammit. I'll never be sorry!!! You have to share it with the class now. Hopefully it doesn't involve Craig crying for eight pages then a sentence of full-clothed bumming. Isn't that how gay people have sex?
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Post by [james] on Jul 2, 2007 17:09:09 GMT
Isn't that how gay people have sex? Depending on the person, the crying tends to be after the sex. See: Barrymore, Michael.
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Post by Cherubic on Jul 2, 2007 19:24:29 GMT
Ooh Dark.
I'm really tempted to start writing a Hollyoaks episode as it's meant to be. With Hannah as a big eyed bear hugging animated sex ingenue, Clare as queen of the village pulling Tom round on a chain, Louise as a university pen pusher cum ninja with great nails, out to destroy the students and speak and spell and Rapebot as...well you get the idea.
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Post by Steven on Jul 2, 2007 20:11:29 GMT
Dooo iiiiiiiit.
Question, The Answer To Which I Imagine Is Obvious To Everyone Else: why are the fictions half prose and half screenplay?
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Post by Cherubic on Jul 2, 2007 20:18:53 GMT
Because they're written by idiots. I give you exibit A:
I tell you she's the next Nabokov
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Post by [james] on Jul 2, 2007 20:20:33 GMT
Dooo iiiiiiiit. Question, The Answer To Which I Imagine Is Obvious To Everyone Else: why are the fictions half prose and half screenplay? Because if they were half-decent writers they might actually be employed rather than spending their time dedicated to Kress OTP. That and the fact most of the writers are still doing their Inglesh GCSEs and 'fink Laguna Beach is teh bestest show eva' etc.
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Post by frapperia on Jul 2, 2007 20:52:27 GMT
TWO YEARS? Say it ain't so, real writers of Hollyoaks. The truth must out in the next few weeks, surely, or else JP will have a relationship with a nevertobeseenagain Craig when Guy Burnet leaves.
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dirtypop
Jane Asher
Only Lee Will Do!
Posts: 207
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Post by dirtypop on Jul 2, 2007 21:05:40 GMT
I am utterly gobsmacked at that well plotted, thoroughly punctuated piece of dramatic writing.
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boxedjoy
Su Pollard
Don't you wish your snack was as tempting as this?
Posts: 369
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Post by boxedjoy on Jul 2, 2007 21:13:21 GMT
Hollyoaks needs more characters with names like that.
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Post by Cherubic on Jul 2, 2007 21:47:21 GMT
I think this is my faourite bit:
It's such a teenage girl way of looking at the world.
I'm too busy to write a 'Holiokes tele-storey' by myself. But I am willing to collaborate in a round robin fashion if anyone wants to give me a starting point.
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Post by frapperia on Jul 2, 2007 22:07:34 GMT
"So that's it, you don't want to be with me anymore? Do you not love me anymore?" John Paul's eyes were full of tears and painand he didn't wait to hear Craig's answer before running out of the door. He ran and ran, until he was out of breath and couldn't run anymore. He collasped to the ground sobbing uncotrollably. Craig Stared at the table for a moment. he felt ashamed of himself, a feeling that he had grown used to in the past few months. He jumped up and went to find John Paul, to explain. The least he owed him was an explanation. Craig Found him sitting on the ground outside the Dog straing out into the distance. His tears were still drying on his face as Craig went over to him. Craig reached out his hand to touch John Paul but John Paul recoiled at his touch. "Look, let me explainthis. Please," Craig pleaded with him. "Why should I? You've trampled on my heart constantly over the past few months, and worse still, i let you! No, I don't want to hear ANYTHING you have to say," John Paul stood up and was about to walk away when craig stopped him. He couldn't leave things like this, he just couldn't. "Please! Listen to what i have to say!" craig said, a note of desperation in his vioce. John Paul stared at him. Dispite himself, he was curious to hear what Craig had to say. "You have 5 minuts alright? And then I'm out of here." Craig breathed a sigh of relief. "Where will we go for this little chat?" Craig pointed to the Dog, which was closed. Darren had found a dead rat in the male toilets and so had closed the pub after someone had jokily told him that rats liked the taste of humans after they'd had a pint. It's a pity that Darren didn't realise it was a joke and that the rat was in fact a rubber one. Honestly, if he had brains he'd be dangerous. John Paul follwed Craig silently into the empty pub.
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Post by Bridgey on Jul 2, 2007 22:17:48 GMT
Now that 'Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, learns to say no to drugs' has lost its novelty value, this is filling the 'really frightening pieces of writing which have ended up enriching my life one way or another' gap in my reading. I think that the rubber rat in frapperia's example represents the stench of superficiality in Hollyoaks characterisation or something like that. Then again, I really want the Max/Tom reunion 'struggle' to be represented by cat macros.
Bridgey xxx
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Post by Adrian on Jul 2, 2007 22:40:13 GMT
Aw, I quite like the teenage fangirls being all creative 'n' stuff.
At least they're not out on the streets getting pregnant at age 13, letting their boyfriends have sex with their bum-chum friends, or getting raped, as I'm led to believe a lot of the youth of today are.
A
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Post by Robbing the Dead on Jul 2, 2007 23:08:07 GMT
Aw, I quite like the teenage fangirls being all creative 'n' stuff. At least they're not out on the streets getting pregnant at age 13, letting their boyfriends have sex with their bum-chum friends, or getting raped, as I'm led to believe a lot of the youth of today are. A Adrian, teen pregnancies and rape is sooo 2006. It's all about knives and stabbing each other now, dahrling.
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Post by timydamonkey on Jul 2, 2007 23:57:42 GMT
As a self-confessed fanfic obsessant, I've been staying well away from Hollyoaks fanfic. Well, at least I see I was right to. And I thought the Harry Potter fandom was full of OOCness and Mary-Sues...
I suppose I should also say that age is no excuse for generally crap writing and poor plotting. (And why do none of them seem to use spellcheck?!) I'm certainly not the greatest writer ever but I'm fairly sure I was never this bad, and I started writing fanfic when I was 12...
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Post by [james] on Jul 3, 2007 0:27:37 GMT
I like how Kris has gone from irrational queen to hard-boiled 1930s cad in a single line. The writers of Hollyoaks could take a note from such strong and consistant characterisations.
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Post by somethingbiblical on Jul 3, 2007 0:49:45 GMT
I think it's actually the testing ground for the Hollyoaks writers to try out new plot ideas.
Worse than the fanfics themselves are the people who say "Great, amazing, when's part 2?"
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Post by somethingbiblical on Jul 3, 2007 0:56:03 GMT
Here's a corker, this is the entire chapter 1 of one fic:
Zak became a couch. Sounds about right.
I found a cracking Jancy one a while back, I'll try to find it.
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Post by [james] on Jul 3, 2007 1:02:15 GMT
They just keep getting better and better.
To give it context, before this bit they'd had a few drinks in the Dog, said a dozen lines and then crash!rape.
Best line from it is when Jess comes to after the crash!rape: ‘do you expect an answer? It was partly your FAULT! Stupid tranny…’
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