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Post by somethingbiblical on Jul 3, 2007 1:05:56 GMT
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Post by somethingbiblical on Jul 3, 2007 1:37:43 GMT
Ok, there now needs to be a whole new LC dialect of Hollyfiction phrases.
crash!rape for starters, and then there's the magnificent insult "go eat a cat!"... If you find anymore, add it to the Hollyslang.
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Post by Steven on Jul 3, 2007 6:24:48 GMT
I'm just going to warn everybody now: the time will come when someone from Hollyfiction will find everyone here making fun and there will be a troll invasion and a flame war, and we will all be informed in no uncertain terms that we're jus jelass.
I'm not saying we should stop, I'm just saying be prepared.
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Post by El Capitan on Jul 3, 2007 10:38:52 GMT
As a Hollyfiction writer I feel I must object.
U r well owt of orda. They is sum tlntd riters on Hollyfffiction. Ur only dissin us cos you aint got no girlfriends
There, glad that's out of my system. There is some decent stuff on there (Besides mine), The Last Journey, Travelling Back and Broken are genuinely ace. To clarify, though, the 'Kress' stuff is uniformly wank. Jess deserves better. Though at least I can use the phrase 'Slabface was crash!raped' in normal conversation and nobody will know what the fuck I'm on about.
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Post by LoveMusic on Jul 3, 2007 10:47:43 GMT
That was hilarious, like GCSE Creative Writing coursework.
I want more Jp 'n' Criag- is it on there?
The best fanfic i ever read was Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy as lovers. Hilarious, with 'wands' showers and sweaty arching of backs.
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Post by louises on Jul 3, 2007 10:52:11 GMT
Tony told me where my dad lived i was scared but i knew i had to see him and I went to the the flat that Tony said and knocked on the door a girl that looked the same age as me answered and she asked me "Who are you"."Gemma"i replied "Gemma Barnes""Well i am Sarah Barnes are you a relation of mine"."Yeah i suppose i am your half sister".She just stood there in complete shock she opened her mouth to try and speak but she couldn't seem to get the words out."Come in" she eventually said. and so i went in and told her everything she was so nice then my dad came home.Hey Sarah he said very chirpy."Dad this is your other daughter Gemma"she said motioning towards me i felt myself go bright red then a very bad thing happened."GET OUT"he screamed"Don't try and ruin my family"I let him lift me and put me out the door i wasn't in the mood to argue.Sarah followed him to the door she kept screaming at hi to put me down but he wasn't listening.Once he put me down and stormed back inside Sarah mouthed the word sorry to me.
I went down the stairs and ran.I ran right in to someone and all the contents of my bag went flying everywhere the boy who looked the same age as me helped me pick up all my things when i looked into his eyes they were perfect sees of blue."My names John Paul Mcqueen"he said."My names Gemma Barnes" i replied.
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als
Jane Asher
"you can't be a princess, you aren't even a woman!"
Posts: 130
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Post by als on Jul 3, 2007 11:08:32 GMT
Just found this: "bigbro: there is a box beside the chair. inside there is party food, alcohol and some clean sheats fro everyones beds. i will put some music on. enjoy your party. i also have letters for everyone which i will read out in later course." I think my favourite part of this apart from the decidedly bizarre spelling of sheets is the "in later course" bit. However simple you are, there is no way that would EVER sound right.
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als
Jane Asher
"you can't be a princess, you aren't even a woman!"
Posts: 130
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Post by als on Jul 3, 2007 11:16:11 GMT
Also found this, part of The "bigbro" letter to Sabface: "guess what love. daddy is back in the money. we are not bankrupt anymore."
Considering she's meant to be oh so posh, it's a bit of strange way to put it!
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Post by louises on Jul 3, 2007 11:37:03 GMT
My ultimate favourite would have to be- It was an icy morning and not one thing stirred in the Valentine household. Sasha arose from her comfy bed, yawning and stretching as she crept into the kitchen. Louise’s hair straighteners were lying on the dining room table, Sasha was tempted but she knew she would break them if she used them on her frizzy, bush like hair. She sat at the table just staring at them…she started to sweat, imagining how much better she would look with hair that didn’t look like a frozen mop. The tension was getting too much and she reached out, plugged them in and took them to her hair. Several hours later… “MY STRAIGHTENERS” Louise screamed, running in. Sasha was sat on the floor with her hair, unfortunately still a mad bush with Louise’s straighteners lying next to her, broken! Sasha’s hair was too unbearable for the poor straighteners and sadly had died during this disturbing experiment. community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6620064257/m/6190070987]Jeremy Kyle: Hello! Hello there! Walks down to the stage
J: Hello and welcome to the show. My first guests have been together for about a year now, but one side of the pair's parents don't want to know them. But please everyone, please don't prejudge, on either side on the story The couple are Kris and Jess. Kris is a cross-dresser (audience - shock) and please bear in mind that Jess is pregnant. So, I'd like to welcome Kris to the show!
Kris walks out to general applause from the audience, mingled with some boos and hisses. Kris shakes Jeremy's hand and sits down with that GORGEOUS little smile on his face, which, incidently, we ALL LOVE.
Ahhh!!
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boxedjoy
Su Pollard
Don't you wish your snack was as tempting as this?
Posts: 369
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Post by boxedjoy on Jul 3, 2007 11:55:38 GMT
I particularly like the attention to detail about what the students drink from. There should also be more Zak-abuse in Hollyoaks.
On the Hollyfiction forum, there are a dozen comments similar to:
Maybe Hollyoaks is so shit because its audience are too thick to understand anything else.
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Post by timydamonkey on Jul 3, 2007 12:35:29 GMT
I'm just going to warn everybody now: the time will come when someone from Hollyfiction will find everyone here making fun and there will be a troll invasion and a flame war, and we will all be informed in no uncertain terms that we're jus jelass. I'm not saying we should stop, I'm just saying be prepared. I imagine there will be. The real question is, will anybody be able to spell? From what we have seen so far, I guess 'no', despite lowculture having a 'spell check' button...
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Post by Steven on Jul 3, 2007 13:06:52 GMT
It was an icy morning and not one thing stirred in the Valentine household. Sasha arose from her comfy bed, yawning and stretching as she crept into the kitchen. Louise’s hair straighteners were lying on the dining room table, Sasha was tempted but she knew she would break them if she used them on her frizzy, bush like hair. She sat at the table just staring at them…she started to sweat, imagining how much better she would look with hair that didn’t look like a frozen mop. The tension was getting too much and she reached out, plugged them in and took them to her hair. Several hours later… “MY STRAIGHTENERS” Louise screamed, running in. Sasha was sat on the floor with her hair, unfortunately still a mad bush with Louise’s straighteners lying next to her, broken! Sasha’s hair was too unbearable for the poor straighteners and sadly had died during this disturbing experiment. This one is AWESOME. Particularly if you take the ambiguous syntax at the end to mean that Speak N Spell dies in a bizarre hair-straightening accident.
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Post by louises on Jul 3, 2007 13:21:07 GMT
It was an icy morning and not one thing stirred in the Valentine household. Sasha arose from her comfy bed, yawning and stretching as she crept into the kitchen. Louise’s hair straighteners were lying on the dining room table, Sasha was tempted but she knew she would break them if she used them on her frizzy, bush like hair. She sat at the table just staring at them…she started to sweat, imagining how much better she would look with hair that didn’t look like a frozen mop. The tension was getting too much and she reached out, plugged them in and took them to her hair. Several hours later… “MY STRAIGHTENERS” Louise screamed, running in. Sasha was sat on the floor with her hair, unfortunately still a mad bush with Louise’s straighteners lying next to her, broken! Sasha’s hair was too unbearable for the poor straighteners and sadly had died during this disturbing experiment. This one is AWESOME. Particularly if you take the ambiguous syntax at the end to mean that Speak N Spell dies in a bizarre hair-straightening accident. I would commission the girl who wrote that to be a real writer, if only I had the money.
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Post by El Capitan on Jul 3, 2007 13:30:07 GMT
I like the fact that such dramatic tension has been wrung from the much maligned world of hair modification. The part where Sasha began to sweat under the pressure to present a more homogenised version of herself to a craven world was particularly harrowing. When you stop to think about such adversity weighing on one so young, maybe it was for the best that she died at the end.
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Post by timydamonkey on Jul 3, 2007 13:58:10 GMT
Can somebody tell me some knowledgable way to tell where the post ends and the signature starts on the C4 forums? I swear, nobody even puts line dividers there. Or worse - they do to split up parts of their signature, but not the bit that goes from the post to the signature...
Also, "Hannah's new life" is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. I like how the second part just randomly throws in that she has three babies while she angsts about JP.
The run-on-lines are a bit deadly though. And what does '4m' mean?
EDIT: Hehe, 'John piair'. Funniest name ever.
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Post by louises on Jul 3, 2007 14:36:10 GMT
Can somebody tell me some knowledgable way to tell where the post ends and the signature starts on the C4 forums? I swear, nobody even puts line dividers there. Or worse - they do to split up parts of their signature, but not the bit that goes from the post to the signature... Also, "Hannah's new life" is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. I like how the second part just randomly throws in that she has three babies while she angsts about JP. The run-on-lines are a bit deadly though. And what does '4m' mean? EDIT: Hehe, 'John piair'. Funniest name ever. I like this bit Manga Hannah has her own personal air hostess to follow her on to the plane and return missing valuables to her. The world as it should be.
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Post by Cherubic on Jul 3, 2007 22:40:24 GMT
I was stood at the busstop this evening 'writing' one of these in my head. Hannah had a dream (sound tracked by the Kooks, naturally) and then ate a chocolate bar sideways. Then she kissed a poster of Hugh Jackman and thanked the lord that he would never go gay on her.
I really need to get out more.
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Post by MoondialSlater on Jul 3, 2007 23:22:43 GMT
I was stood at the busstop this evening 'writing' one of these in my head. Hannah had a dream (sound tracked by the Kooks, naturally) I couldn't fucking stand these types of fanfic where the story was actually 75% the entire lyrics of a song with 25% of story in between. But anyway, I don't even watch Hollyoaks and have found these some of the funniest stories in the history of mankind. Why isn't there an Eastenders equivalent where I could crack up to brilliantly written fanfics with characters I'd heard of?
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Post by timydamonkey on Jul 4, 2007 0:08:39 GMT
I was stood at the busstop this evening 'writing' one of these in my head. Hannah had a dream (sound tracked by the Kooks, naturally) I couldn't fucking stand these types of fanfic where the story was actually 75% the entire lyrics of a song with 25% of story in between. But anyway, I don't even watch Hollyoaks and have found these some of the funniest stories in the history of mankind. Why isn't there an Eastenders equivalent where I could crack up to brilliantly written fanfics with characters I'd heard of? I don't think their target audience is expected to write fanfic.
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Post by louises on Jul 4, 2007 13:53:16 GMT
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Post by [james] on Jul 4, 2007 14:17:00 GMT
My favourite at the moment is the frankly brilliant Hollyoaks Secret Agent story where each group in Hollyoaks seems to run a spy agency and get into hi-jinx community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6620064257/m/2390006797The best team is obviously the teenagers as Nancy is permenantly half-asleep because of the exam stress and Hannah says things like "Yes, my darling" although honourable mention goes to Team McQueen: The story soon decends into madness as someone steals Rhys' tattoo, John-Paul and Craig have an impulse wedding and everyone starts throwing bricks around.
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Post by Elly on Jul 4, 2007 15:07:29 GMT
I quite like this one: HOSTAGE. community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/6620064257/m/5680090158Apparently it came to our talented author in a lecture. Possibly not a psychology lecture, judging by JP's reaction to being held hostage by a crazed gunman: We've got a bit of attempted crash!rape in there: And, apparently, Jake isn't a chubby bloater after all: Amazing!
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Post by [james] on Jul 4, 2007 15:14:04 GMT
My first reaction in a hostage situation would be what I like about my heterosexual lover.
Jake with a toned body? It really must be fiction!
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Post by Steven on Jul 4, 2007 15:19:20 GMT
Hahahaha! Okay, that one's genuinely awesome.
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Post by timydamonkey on Jul 4, 2007 16:04:33 GMT
That Secret Agent fic shows why crack!fics win at life. It's hilarious. My personal favourite bit is Spike's evil twitching in his sleep.
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